


I Have So Much To Say But You're So Far Away

by BisexualNerd



Series: I've Got You Brother [6]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Acceptance, Birthday, But REASONS, Denial, Gen, Hurt No Comfort, I wrote this while listening to So Far Away, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Sad, Songfic, Tim Drake Angst, Tim Drake-centric, With no lyrics written in though, by Avenged Sevenfold on repeat, it's kinda my thing, this song hurts on its own already, why am I hurting myself like this???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-19
Updated: 2020-05-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:22:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24265816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BisexualNerd/pseuds/BisexualNerd
Summary: Tim found himself in the cemetery on his brother's birthday.
Relationships: Tim Drake & Jason Todd, actually it's just an one-sided conversation
Series: I've Got You Brother [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1687798
Comments: 27
Kudos: 74





	I Have So Much To Say But You're So Far Away

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome again. It seems like I can't stop writing sad shit (is it even sad, I don't know).  
> Enjoy *bows*
> 
> Title is from So Far Away by Avenged Sevenfold.

Here's the song if anyone's interested:

[So Far Away - Avenged Sevenfold](https://youtu.be/A7ry4cx6HfY)

* * *

His feet carried him to the gate of the cemetery on their own account.

Upon seeing the gate, his eyes turned blurry and he rubbed at it furiously to get rid of the evidence of how much this was hurting him.

He had reached his destination.

A tombstone.

A grave.

His brother.

Today was his brother's birthday.

**16th August.**

He smiled sadly as he put the flowers down in front of the cold, smooth piece of marble.

_Happy birthday, Jase..._

He tilted his head to look at the words.

_Beloved Son and Brother._

**His brother.**

The one that was so fearless..

_Brave..._

_Strong..._

**_Robin..._ **

His heart felt heavy as the name popped up in his mind.

His brother wasn't supposed to be gone. How could Robin just be... _gone_?

The light to Batman's darkness and the hope of Gotham.

One brave bird in the midst of the storm.

His brother had never been the one to be afraid, always taking risk to help people, to save lives.

How could he...?

He remembered how loud and playful his brother could be. 

He remembered how his brother had never wasted a moment to live it to fullest.

Spent every second as Robin, and as Jason Todd-Wayne trying to make the City of Crime a better place.

And if he was being honest, Jason was...somewhat different from all of them. Sure, they were all orphans, from his adoptive father to his oldest brother, to him.

But Bruce, Dick and himself all had their fair shares in of a happy childhood.

He knew about his late adoptive grandparents, and how they had been such good people and even better parents. Bruce always had a small, though reminiscent, smile on his face when he told them stories about his childhood.

Dick liked talking about his days in the circus. Never a dull tale, not one sad second with Dick and the circus that was once his home.

And Tim had been living in the manor since, well, forever. His life before that was fine, pretty okay, he guessed. But the most wonderful his life had been was since he started to move in to live with his adoptive family.

Until four months ago.

Tim didn't know every detail in Jason's life before he came to live here. He, however, did knew how shitty Peter Todd had been, and how Catherine Todd had passed away.

He knew Crime Alley was a harsh, cold and unforgiving place.

Yet his brother had survived them all. All the bad things had happened in his life.

He just wished he, somehow, had been able to fix the pained look in his brother eyes. To wipe off that one frown that used to mar his brother's face every so often.

But it was too late now.

"Hey, Jase. How are you doing?" He asked out loud, wincing at how hoarse his voice was.

Tim didn't really know what to say. Instead, his mind drifted back to the last conversation he had with Jason the other day, maybe not even 24 hours before Jason went to Ethiopia.

That night, Tim had had a nightmare and woken up screaming.

His nightmares were usually the same: his family getting hurt, or worse, killed on the field. Bloody masks and broken bodies. Lifeless eyes and pale faces.

Dick had been in Blüdhaven and Bruce had gone out to patrol alone as Jason and he were fighting on something.

So Jason was the first to hear his scream and rush to his room.

Now, thinking about it, his nightmare was too prophetic to be true. Because in his nightmare that night, his second eldest brother had been torturing by an invisible hand and a green painted metal rod.

As everything burned and drowned in the rage of the malicious inferno that shaped like a too familiar Chelsea smile, his world roared in pain and devastation with red blood plastered in the image that had been imprinted on his brain.

Then Jason was there, calming him down with soft, soothing voice and gentle hands. And Tim had leaned in for comfort like a dying man to his salvation.

Because his brother was still alive.

Breathing. Healthy. Warm and comforting.

"You're staying with me right?"

"Of course kid. I'm staying."

It was a lie. 

The next morning came and Tim woke up alone. His brother was gone.

"Come back. Please." He whispered, letting the wind carry his plead to nowhere.

The cold object in front of him didn't answer.  
He pressed his lips together and sat down on the ground, ignoring the grass that was tickling his legs.

Tim placed his backpack on his lap to fish out two small cupcakes. One in Robin's colours, the other was just plain red. He liked red.

The colour of passion, glory and strength.

Red was love, excitement and warmth. Red was beautiful. Energetic and lively. Reminded him of his brother sometimes.

But it was also death and destruction. Anger and danger. All of them could be linked back to Jason, in many different ways.

He put the Robin's coloured cupcake down on top of the flowers.

"Wow, 16 huh? You're actually legal to drink in Germany and Italy today." He chuckled to himself. "Bet you would like that. But I don't think B would agree with you."

He bit into his cupcake, swallowed hard as if it could have filled the empty hole in his chest.

"He's not doing so good. Both Nightwing and Batman have been reported to be more and more violent everyday. B is shutting me out more often. And Dick, he hardly smile anymore. I think he's only doing it for my sake sometimes. It's so empty at home Jase. Even with everyone there." He sighed, biting the inside of his cheek. "I'm thinking about, well, someone has to be Robin. And I don't think B wants anyone to do the job. But he can't refuse me. I won't let him. Batman needs a Robin and...and I will do it. I haven't thought it through yet so... Maybe next time I see you, I'll tell you about my decision."

A breeze blew through his hair, making his bangs fall into his eyes.

Tim glanced at the sky. It was noticeably darker than when he first got here. Just a few more hours and the day would be done.

Jason was supposed to turn 16 today. He was supposed to be with the whole family and the team to celebrate.

At this rate, he would be older than Jason one day and he didn't like it.

_You're supposed to be my older brother..._

He remembered his 13th birthday. It was just last month. He was getting older and Jason was not. He clearly didn't enjoy the birthday much.

Not when he hadn't been enough to convince his brother to stay.

Not when he hadn't been enough to _save him_.

His brother could have been with him, celebrating, not lying alone six feet under, missing the warmth and love of his home.

His cupcake was now gone. He stared at his name on the marble surface one more time.

"Hey Jase..." What to say? He had already said too much and if he were to say every word left on his mind, it would cause him forever and more.

Tim licked his lips, considering his options. His hand touched the tombstone lightly, as if it could have burned him on spot.

"Happy birthday. I love you." He said shortly and stood up, hand firmly grabbed at the side of the marble object. It didn't burn his hand, but his chest felt like it was on fire.

He lifted his head to look at the sky again and he felt something wet rolling down on his cheeks. The once shapeless clouds suddenly looked too much like a familiar face that sometimes haunted his dreams ever since _that day_.

He didn't think he would see his big brother again soon enough, and that was alright. He missed Jason, but Jason would want him to live, to get on with his own life.

_I don't know how I'm going to keep on living without you..._

_But I hope you're happy wherever you are now..._

Tim smiled softly and walked away, not once looking back.

The fire spreaded in his chest, filling in the endless pit where his heart was supposed to be.

_I hope I'll make you proud Jase._

**End.**

**Author's Note:**

> How did it go? Good? Bad? Let me know pls.
> 
> This was actually supposed to be a songfic with Tim's thoughts and emotions follow the lyrics of the song.
> 
> But then it got, eh, boring. And bad. 'Cause as you can see, I have exploited a lot from Jason's death already and I don't want to keep remaking one fic over and over again.
> 
> I can't stop writing. It's only been days since I posted my last fic but I got restless :D
> 
> Leave me some comments or kudos if you enjoyed this ❤❤❤
> 
> Finally, I'm now on Tumblr. You can find me at [@bisexualnerd](https://bisexualnerd.tumblr.com/). It'd be lovely to have anyone dropping into my messages or ask box. Or if you need anyone to talk to, don't be afraid to message me. I'd always be happy to help 😃  
> See ya all later <3


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